Isn't this what American Idol is really about?

Last night, on the premiere of "American Idol," Ryan Seacrest high fived a blind auditioner. And isn't that what this show is all about -- people making fools of themselves? In this case, it was Ryan, most of the time it's Paula or the contestants, but isn't that really why we still watch "Idol" in its eighth season? I mean, is any one out there still taking this seriously as a way to choose new talent, after all the fixed contestants and top 10s featuring people who can barely carry a tune? Here's the moment from last night's show that everyone wants to see.



"American Idol" continues tonight on Fox from 7 to 9 p.m.

The wait is over - the next 'American Idol' is...

... and we'll tell you in the next post. (Just kidding, that's just how Ryan does it on the show.)
This finale has seemed inevitable for about 12 weeks now, and here it is. David Cook is the winner, and next season promises lots of changes.
If I may suggest one change, less is more! Enough with the hour-long results shows, two-hour finales, and so forth. It's too much for anyone over 14 to deal with.
As for advice for the new Idol, let me quote Randy by saying "OK, OK, check it out. You can sing the phone book, dawg! That was hot! You are in the zone! Still, it was a little pitchy, dawg. I'm not mad at you for that." If you could program a robot to say just those things, Randy could spend more time on his eyewear line and MTV dancing show.
I can't really quote the others, even though like Paula I could do the critiques before the singing. Simon, on the other hand, is usually right.
See you next season, dawg!

"Idol Gives Back"

There's a big opening number. It's goofy, and there are dancers who made me feel about 100 years old. But when Ryan joins in with his goofy bouncy thing, I feel cooler.
When Maria Shriver comes out they play "Maria" from "West Side Story," like it's the Oscars or something. Weird. I didn't watch this last year, is it all speeches? I hope not.
There's a little film about clean water. Jennifer Connelly should sell her expensive clothes to buy clean water.
Snoop Dogg is surrounded by little kids on stage. I hope they had a different dressing room.
Kobe Bryant gives a little spiel with a weird white bandage on his face. He claims there is an NBA family. Like you and Shaq, Kobe?
Triple H will beat your ass if you don't give money to Idol Gives Back.
Hi Paula and Randy! Paula looks pretty. Paula and Randy went to Goshen School, near L.A. An adorable kid named Christian leads them around. They kids don't have places to play. Save the Children helps them.
Oh God, now Teri Hatcher is going to sing. I was hoping this was untrue. Oh how cute, Mike Denton, her TV husband, is in the band. She is actually not horrible, but she isn't great. And why is she singing? And eat a sandwich. A really big sandwich.
Mary Murphy from "So You Think You Can Dance" is doing that screaming thing she does now.
The Jonas Brothers! EEEEEKKKK! Don't tell Mary Murphy!
Billy Crystal is introduced as "recently retired from the New York Yankees." He is introducing Miley Cyrus, why? He said her name wrong, hee hee hee. They are bantering. Awesome. We get it, Miley. Everything you do is number one. This is never going to end. OK, I have now heard this kid twice, on the "Kids Choice Awards" and here. and I am still stunned by how lame her songs - and especially her singing - are. Would she have made the Hollywood round as a contestant? Doubt it.
Here's my sweetie Bono now. Shut up! He is in Africa with this volunteer who helps children because her three kids all died of AIDS. OK, you got me.
We're back with Fergie and John Legend. Then, Fergie introduces Heart. That's right, those songs Carly butchers every week came from somewhere. And Ann Wilson may be enormous, but man, she can sing. Man, I bet Fergie has a hell of a time going to the bathroom in those rubber pants.
Peyton and Eli Manning introduce the inevitable New Orleans post-Katrina segment. Oh man, I may have to give again. Those poor kids.
ACK! The Beckhams!
Bono is one with a child's memory box for both of his parents. Annie Lennox is with a group of boys, brothers, who have lost all of their relatives. Just imagine. The oldest is 15, the youngest 3. Annie then comes on and sings "Many Rivers to Cross."
How bad is Celine Dion at reading from cards? She also winked at me. Ick.
Jimmy Kimmel introducing Simon Cowell? Oh, he's roasting him. Whatever. Nipple jokes?
Simon is doing the segment on uninsured Americans. Oh, George Bush says that's no problem, Simon. In fact, he vetoed a children's insurance program, because they don't need it. Don't you watch the news? Simon is remarkably good at talking to these people. I remember that from last year, when his segment was the only part of the show I saw.
Simon introduces Carrie Underwood, yow. She is singing a George Michael song ("Praying for Time"). Neat!
Gloria Estefan. Ugh. It's starting to get hard to stay focused here.
Sarah Silverman, uh oh. My husband just came in and he can't watch one minute of these poor kids with malaria. This baby with malaria has the most beautiful eyelashes I have ever seen. I hope that these kids watching this are really getting it.
Reese Witherspoon goes back to New Orleans to this wonderful place called Freedom School.
The top 8 sing "Seasons of Love." I know it's cheeseball as hell, but I kind of like this song. I bet they're glad to be off the phones.
Duck! It's Dane Cook! He's introducing Alicia Keys. Is she the person who thinks he's funny? She went to Africa. It's unbelieveable how these people have to live.
Oh, God, not Miley Cyrus again. Not only is her singing awful, her attempts at dancing are jarring and upsetting. Miley takes us to rural Kentucky. My God, they visit this poor family and the mom HAS A BLACK EYE. Too much reality.
Robin Williams?! Oh man. His first line is "You are a friend of Gary Busey!" to Ryan. Nice. He's been on at least four hours. Not funny since first line.
David Spade is introduced, and I swear people stopped clapping the second they heard his name. Brad Pitt, on the other hand, gets a bigger reaction. And he introduces ... Daughtry. Hmm. Daughtry is in Uganda to show us more depressing pictures of poor people just in case you haven't given yet. C'mon, give, everyone's doing it. Oh the kids are singing their song. That's sweet.
Mariah Carey is on now, with Randy playing bass. I will never figure out how she is such a big deal. Now there is a big choir on stage with so much screaming I can barely stand it. Can I take my money back? No, really, I wouldn't.
The top 8 closes the show, with a church song. Seriously, we sing this at my church. Kristy is probably mad they stole her thing.
Good night!

"American Idol" is back

This ... is "American Idol!" The first auditions are from Philadelphia.

First guy, Joey, has lost more than 200 pounds, and I am already worried about him. This is too hard! Joey's going to Hollywood! Thank God. But Simon says "He looks hungry."
Next up is Borat, or something, from Egypt. "I want to love a girl, from the hair to the nipple ... I want to for Mr. The Bee Gees." Good God when will this be done? No high-five for him.
Melanie sang backup for Taylor Hicks. And she is going to Hollywood too.
James is a tour guide. He is an African-American male who says he sounds like Eddie Vedder. He sounds like he has mouth full of marbles. He is ... AWFUL! All three judges are laughing. Paula looks like she may even be laughing so hard she's crying. The first comment, from Simon, "I'm sorry, James." "Would you like me to sing something else?" "NO!"
Now a montage of terrible singers, which brings out the worst of the judges. Simon says to one, "Sybil! Sybil! Sybil! Shut up!"
Junot is next. He is very good, and will go to Hollywood. Jose also goes to Hollywood, with a song in Spanish. Jonathan goes to Hollywood as well.
Temptress is a 16-year-old female linebacker. She is huge, incredibly sweet and her mother is very sick. God, I hope she's good. And ... she's not. And now she's crying, so all three of the judges walk her out. It's a very moving moment.
Mark sings "White Christmas" badly. It's a no.
Udgeet is dancing, according to him, like MC Hammer. He also says people say he sounds like Frank Sinatra and Barry Manilow. He sounds like me, in the shower. It's bad. "Did you honestly think you had any chance of getting through and winning?" "Yes I did." "It was slightly disturbing, the audition."
Another montage, of people singing "I Love Rock 'n' Roll." Most of them are best described as ... spazzy.
Alexis wears shiny eye shadow and glitter, lots of glitter. She is from Allentown and claims the song "Allentown" is by Bon Jovi. She shows off her home, which appears to be one room. My husband asks, "where's the meth lab?" He has it nailed. She compares herself Janis Joplin, Grace Slick or Pat Benatar. "It was a little bit possessed," Simon says. She gives the camera the finger with both hands and she says "That's it! I'm going for actressing!" Ryan looked a little scared.
Angela, from Chicago, has a handicapped daughter. I just have my fingers crossed here, and right away you can tell she's good. She has a ton of personality, too, too much for Simon. He says she needs to "de-weddingize." But she's going to Hollywood, and her family tackles Ryan. Simon has this to say, "The amazing thing about this country is you are geuinely happy when someone you know does well." Thus ended Day One.
On Day Two in Philly, Alyse sings "Feelin' Good," and Simon stops her to say "It was exactly identical to a nightmare I had last week." Thus follows a montage of nightmarish singing.
A strange man named Milo, in a leopard vest, insists he needs to come in and sing a song called "No Sex Allowed." He is 39, but Ryan lets him in. He is marching as he sings a song that goes "Sex is weak, and love is strong." Randy sings along with the chorus "No sex allowed!" Milo was satisfied, even after Simon called his song "perverted."
Kristy is a cage fighter who lives in a log cabin. She can also sing, and she sings "Amazing Grace." She's going to Hollywood.
Benjamin is wearing a black velvet cloak. "I just wanted it to be a surprise. My costume." He is wearing the Princess Leia gold bikini. He looks bad. They don't even listen to him sing. Paula advises him to wax his chest hair, and Simon says "why did you bother to do that?"
Paul is singing a love song he wrote for Paula Abdul. Is he ever creepy! He sings that he broke into her house and wore her underwear. "If she were a chalkboard I would chalk her." All these things rhyme with stalker. He kind of had to be kicked out.
Beth's last name was Stalker. So naturally, this was the segue. She sang an old-fashioned song in an old-fashioned way. She's going to Hollywood, even though Simon says she won't stand out in a crowd.
The Princess Leia guy is back. He waxed his chest hair. Simon is NOT happy. He sang one line and is back off again.
Chris wants to be a legend. He sings an Uncle Kracker song. Simon thinks he looks like a star, and "the chicks will like you." I agree. He's going to Hollywood.
Christina is a "Star Wars" fan. As a fellow "Star Wars" fan, I am ashamed. Luckily, she is also terrible. Simon had it in for her when she walked in. I don't think he likes "Star Wars." "People call me a dork in a negative fashion; I think of it as a positive fashion," she says. "Nice to meet you, Christina," Simon says. "Give my love to the Wookiee."
Brooke is a skinny blondie; she is the anti-Christina. The most interesting thing about her? "I've never seen an R-rated movie." She is a good singer. "There's something very pure about you," Randy says. Simon says "we can bring you over to the dark side." And she says, "I dare you!"
Twenty-nine people got in.

That ... was "American Idol."