What you really need to know before you see "Transformers"

Since my only "readers" are my friends, and most of my friends will never see "Transformers 2: Revenge of the Fallen," I thought I would entertain you with the more hilarious parts of the movie. I am not sure any of these were intended to be hilarious, since I am relatively sure that director Michael Bay thinks everything he does is AWESOME, including taking a pee.

1) Rainn Wilson is featured as a sexually aggressive college professor who wears a scarf. In his scene, which like everything in this movie, seems to last forever, he takes a bite out of an apple, lets it drop to the floor and suggests that one of his adoring "fans," a gaggle of hotties who hang on his every word, "finish it" for him. If there was a an Oscar for most misplaced cameo in a motion picture, Wilson would walk off with it, and I am sure he would enjoy every second of it.

2) Speaking of those hotties, Bay takes his objectification of women to new heights in this movie, even sexualizing Sam's (Shia LaBeouf's) MOM, during a campus visit, which again, is endless, considering this is a movie about transforming robots, and none of the bots are even in the college scenes. After a student gives Mom some pot-laced brownies, she trips around campus and ends up led away by Sam's dad. Is it Sam or Shia, who recently confessed to Playboy that he is in love with his own mother, who doesn't seem to care that his mother is tripping her brains out all over campus?

3) One more thing about the women. There is a female Decepticon and when she is revealed, it's about as subtle as something out of Pink Floyd's "The Wall." As she mounts Sam, her Decepticon tail first comes out of her back, revealing her still-hot body and perfect rear end, but she is interrupted. A couple seconds later, it emerges from a her tongue! It's the most obvious case of misogyny since Robert Rodriguez put the vampire monster head on Salma Hayek's still-hot body in "From Dusk 'til Dawn," and yes, I hated that too. At least that was rated R, though. This is a movie for 6-ear-olds? Why are my first 3 items about sex?

4) Yes, as you have heard on NPR, there are two bots called Skids and Mudflap, and it is exactly like having TWO Jar-Jar Binks in your movie. They are given way too much screen time, their "riffing" is nails-on-the-chalkboard irritating, they are never around during the action (suggesting no real purpose), and your innocent kids will think they are funny. Mine did, anyway. I did not see the gold tooth, but all the rest is true, unfortunately, and it is painful.

5) The whole thing reeks of an indulgent Hollywood system. Couldn't someone have suggested that we didn't really need to see the racist stereotypes for 20 minutes? Or the long college scenes? I watched "Synedoche, New York" the same night, a movie I had been warned repeatedly by my good friend and great critic Josh Larsen not to watch if I was in a depressed state, because I was depressed about the state of movies. It cheered me up.

10 years of new "Star Wars" movies!

Remember when no one had heard of Jar Jar Binks? When there was no chance getting caught in a conversation with some jerk who would go on and on about George Lucas doing weird things to your childhood?
It was about 10 years ago, and 10 years ago this weekend "Star Wars: Episode One - The Phantom Menace" was released in theaters. I still have such fond memories of this movie and taking our five-year-old Eric to see it. Finally, I would not only be able to see a new "Star Wars" movie, but introduce my child to it as well!
As the lights dimmed and the familiar "a long time ago in a galaxy far far away ..." flashed on the screen, it brought a tear to my eye.
And yes, there were things wrong with the prequels, particularly "Episode II," but there were great moments too, plenty of them. The lightsaber duel between Obi Wan, Qui-Gon and Darth Maul at the end is still one of the best "Star Wars" fights ever. I still prefer to think of the fond memories with my kids - and honestly - myself, enjoying those new movies in a way that a movie like "Fanboys" could never hope to capture.
May the force by with you.

’12 Rounds’ and the Cousins o’ Kunka

I have never met Daniel Kunka. But that barely mattered Friday night when my 15-year-old son, Eric, myself, and about 50 of his closer relatives crowded the Loews Woodridge theater lobby for champagne, photos and laughs to celebrate the release of the movie “12 Rounds,” which Kunka wrote. By the time the evening was over, I felt pretty close to him.
Kunka’s story is one you can’t help but root for – a 30-year-old South Sider’s first screenplay, a WWE fan whose film stars WWE star John Cena, a humble guy whose father describes the thrill he felt at having his film debut at Mann’s Chinese Theater in Hollywood.
Friday night was all about supporting Daniel from halfway across the country – and it started early. From my desk I had to laugh as I read the Facebook updates from “Cousin O’Kunka,” but I was admittedly a bit concerned about the planned tailgate. A tailgate at a movie theater? It sounded a little dangerous, but also fitting for a WWE movie, to be honest. It went off without a hitch; they even played bags.
When my aunt arrived with a bottle of champagne, I thought, “this is it, they’ve gone too far,” but she promptly charmed the burly manager, and soon the adults were sipping champagne from tiny plastic medicine cups.
But we weren’t there just to drink and play bags. There was a movie to see.
As a writer I got my own little personal joy from clapping when the writer’s name came up in the opening credits. This should definitely happen more often.
Daniel’s father had patiently and meticulously explained over and over the scene that the parents appear in (many of us still managed to miss it, maybe it was the eyedropper of champagne?) and held court in the lobby, beaming with the kind of pride that only the proudest of parents can feel. His mother was quieter, and let Dad do the talking. When their big moment on screen arrived, he whispered afterward in awe “that was it.”
The movie itself was a thriller, a story about a decent policeman who is haunted with guilt after accidentally killing a criminal’s girl while arresting him. Still, when the bad guy breaks out of prison, all he wants is revenge. It is one of those films that keeps putting the good guy in impossible situations, and just when you think he is going to be all right, something happens to mess things up for him. You really want him to win, especially since the bad guy is going to kill the hero’s pretty wife.
During the movie, I started thinking about box office and business, and what Daniel’s future may hold. Occupational hazard, I guess (I’m an entertainment editor by trade). Renny Harlin is a big-time director, and the WWE seems like a prosperous company to hitch one’s wagon to, but there had been no advance screening. Still, there were a lot of commercials, which means there was a big marketing push. He’s probably got a pretty good chance at a decent career.
The evening ended with a group photo, and I was astounded as to how many people were in it. I knew we took over the theater, I just didn’t realize to what extent. I found myself thinking of another movie line, one focusing on one of the more important things in life. “To Daniel Kunka, the richest man in town!”

81st Academy Awards

We're still in our preshow "bitch, please" segment. My husband is now telling me that Penelope Cruz sometimes looks like a boy (uh, not tonight she don't), and Anne Hathaway often does not look good on the red carpet (also, not tonight). I yelled "who is good enough for you?" and he answered "YOU!" Oh.

Jack Black! AAH! I didn't think I'd get to see him tonight. Could they have made it a little more obvious he was not a big priority for them? I love you Jack, and I always will, and I don't care that you never comb your hair.

Marisa Tomei is wearing three dresses that have been maybe stapled together. No clothes in the movie, three dresses to the Awards.

If anyone did not like the opening number that Hugh Jackman did kindly keep it to yourselves because it was an utter delight. Have a sense of humor.

Best Supporting Actress: "Penelope Cruz"

I love how she says "Woody." She thanked Pedro Almodovar. Awwww.

Tina Fey and Steve Martin are a good team.


Best orginal screenplay: Dustin Lance Black "Milk"

Sweet speech. The politcs of this film seem to be its trump card, as my friend Josh Larsen predicted.

Best adapted screenplay: Simon Beaufoy "Slumdog Millionaire." And the race is on.

Jack Black, squee!

We have a family joke about "Space Chimps" and let's just say, Jack is very annoyed right now.

Best animated feature: "Wall E"

Nice cut from Jennifer Aniston to Brad and Angelina's reaction. Stay classy, Oscar cameramen.

Best Short Animated Feature: La Maison en Petits Cubes" Kunio Katô Aw I was rooting for the other one. Did he just say Domo Arigato Mr. Roboto? I believe he did.

Sarah Jessica Parker and Daniel Craig landed the plum presenting gig, if one like to be on stage for a long time.

Best Art Direction: "The Curious Case of Benjamin Button" Donald Graham Burt, Victor J. Zolfo

Best Costume Design: "The Duchess" Michael O'Connor

Best Make Up: "The Curious Case of Benjamin Button" Greg Cannom

And now, YOUNG PEOPLE PLEASE TUNE IN! It's Edward! and I still think Wall E and Eve might be the most romantic couple at the movies last year.

Ben Stiller is doing the Joaquin Phoenix thing with Natalie Portman. She looks pretty. What is everyone going to do when he comes back? Well, this is awkward.

Best Cinematograghy: Anthony Dod Mantle

James Franco and Seth Rogen laughing through "The Reader" and "Doubt" = AWESOME.
Janusz Kaminski holding his Oscars and watching "Zohan" "I liked this movie" = possibly MORE awesome.
Then Kaminski comes on and says "suck it, Anthony Dod Mantle!" Someone will write a column about how undignified this is tomorrow. I want to know why they still even present best short film during the show. No one cares. I mean they sure dispatched the geek awards quickly enough this year.

Best Short Film, Live Action: "Spielzeugland" Jochen Alexander Freydank

John is sitting next to me clearing his throat every five seconds, but I like musicals, so he can suck it.

This is really neat, having the former winners come out and say nice things about the nominees. It gives both their moments.

Best Supporting Actor: Heath Ledger "The Dark Knight"

His parents and brother are accepting. Everyone is pretty moved by this moment.

Best Documentary: "Man on Wire"

I think that's the first time a documentary winner was so entertaining. The Man on Wire of "Man on Wire" did TWO magic tricks!

Best Documentary, Short Subject: "Smile Pinki"

I am officiallly getting a little tired.

Will Smith just said he prefers that have fans.

Best Visual Effects: "The Curious Case of Benjamin Button" Eric Barba, Steve Preeg, Burt Dalton, Craig Barron

I was just checking a name spelling and you know what the number one movie this weekend is? "Madea Goes to Jail"? How much money did it make? $41 million!

Will Smith said "Boom goes the dynamite"! Some guys at my office are going to find this hilarious.

Best Sound Editing: "The Dark Knight" Richard King

Best Achievement of Sound: "Slumdog Millionaire" Ian Tapp, Richard Pryke, Resul Pookutty

Best Achievement in Editing: "Slumdog Millionaire" Chris Dickens

Eddie Murphy looks like he's still pretty mad he didn't win for "Dreamgirls" as he introduced Jerry Lewis.

Best Original Score: "Slumdog Millionaire" A.R. Rahman

When all the music is played like that, it really shows how boring most movie scores are.

Best Original Song: "Jai Ho" A.R. Rahman, Sampooran Singh Gulzar

I wonder how many people woke up because of those giant "Slumdog" drums. On another note, I don't remember the last time there were three such great songs nominated for Oscars.

I'm going to put Freida Pinto's picture here, because I love her blue dress, and she and Liam Neeson presented this award.

Best Foreign Language Film: "Departures" Japan

No one is clapping for any of the dead people this year. Harsh. Well, Paul Newman got a hand.

Best Director: Danny Boyle "Slumdog Millionaire"

One down, one to go! He jumped up and down like Tigger. I agree with him, it is a very nice show. Did you heard what happened with this movie? It was almost never released! Can you believe it now?

It's weird every year to realize who has won Oscars. Oscar winner Reese Witherspoon, for instance.

Best Actress: Kate Winslet "The Reader"

Halle Berry is so ugly, isn't she? I mean, why does she even get out of bed? And Sophia Loren, who are you kidding? this is just a stage full of ugmos, isn't it? (In the words of Homer Simpson, in case you don't realize it, I am BEING sarcastic!) I'll be honest, I didn't at all care for this film, and the other film Kate did this year, but I love her as an actress and think she is very deserving of this recognition.

Best Actor: Sean Penn "Milk"

I think Sean Penn's had a little work done. And I think DeNiro wrote what he said about Sean Penn.

Best Picture: "SLUMDOG MILLIONAIRE"! The kids are on the stage. This pleases me.

Hugh was a great host, the stage was cool, and the show ended in about the same time as ever. But I predict a bunch of articles tomorrow saying he sang too much and the show was too long. Weber out!

2009 Film Independent Spirit Awards

First off, the name of this show is always like "Film Independent Spirit blah blah blah" ....

Ben Stiller looks cute with more hair. More hair for Ben Stiller. Steve Coogan starts out pointing it really bothers Ben Stiller that he is only the third biggest star in the world. Already better than last year's endless Rainn Wilson and Dennis Hopper weirdness.



James Franco, sigh.

Nice one: Woody Allen's "Vicky Cristina Barcelona" brought a new category, "Best Girl on Girl Action Disguised as Art."

"Man on Wire" would have been better if he had fallen at the end.

Cut to Lucy Lui with a giant bottle of Jameson in front of her. Party!

Funny bit about Steve Coogan running into Jonathan Demme in Whole Foods and imitating Hannibal Lecter. I bet that happens to him all the time.

People are seriously more dressed up this year. They used wear jeans and stuff.

More James Franco. Could he be nominated in every category? He is so cute! OK, that kid is "Ballast" was awesome, but I am still glad Franco won.

Best supporting actor: James Franco "Milk"

Ben Kingsley and Mary Kate Olsen could have used a screenplay - and some acting lessons - for their best first screenplay award presentation. They were not believeable as humans. And could this be the last time we hear of the existance of "The Wackness"? People said "Milk" was "awfully gay"? Come on!

Best first screenplay: Dustin Lance Black "Milk"

That "Afterschool" movie looked seriously messed up.



Does anyone get the feeling Aaron Eckhart could have worn a bathrobe and looked as good?

Best first feature: "Synedoche, New York" Charlie Kaufman

Charlie Kaufman is a hilariously strange person who would probably be awful to know in real life.

I would think the Independent Spirit Awards is the one place we wouldn't have to see Jessica Alba. Chiwetel Ejiofor, there's a tall drink of water, though.

Best supporting female: Penelope Cruz "Vicky Cristina Barcelona"

"They told me to swear a lot." You do that, Penelope. She then told an awesome story about Woody Allen going to the dermatologist the day she was kissing Scarlett Johansson.

Ugh, they brought back the parody songs from last year. I was really hoping they would not. I rememeber vividly the "Diving Bell and the Butterfly" song from last year. "I can't feel my toes and I can't feel my nose..." FAIL.

Ack! Mickey Rourke just flipped off the camera!

John Cassavates Award: "In Search of a Midnight Kiss"

Nice hooker outfit, Sandra Oh

First f-bombs, 50 minutes in. Six in one speech.

Phew, "Rachel Getting Married" got to have a real song, by Robyn Hitchcock no less. Lucky them. Note to 2009 films, always have music.

Note to anyone who hasn't seen "Rachel Getting Married," it features the coolest wedding ever. Everyone's wedding is lame next to this film.

Oh dear, we appear to have another attempt at a joke. "Joaquin Phoenix" and "Christian Bale." Decent line: "You look like a homeless munchkin!"

Best documentary: "Man on Wire." The documentary winner did not look amused at the intro team.

Jason Bateman and Ellen Page should go out on the road because they are just so damn cute together.

Tarra Riggs looks GORGEOUS.


Best female lead: Melissa Leo "Frozen River"

Melissa Leo's hairstyle and outfit had better be totally different at the Oscars tomorrow or the fashionistas are going to eat her alive. OH MY GOD THOSE GLASSES! IS SHE A SHUT IN? WHAT IS THE DEAL WITH HER? Her speech was sweet and all, but still THOSE GLASSES! MY EYES!

These parody songs are just so undignified. During the one for "Wendy and Lucy," Michelle Williams just looks confused. You aren't the only one, Michelle.

Claire Danes looks mean. Be honest. She looks mean. I bet she yelled at John C. Reilly backstage.

Who is this douche next to the winner of the Someone to Watch Award?

Producers Award: "Frozen River"

Truer Than Fiction Award: "The Order of Myths"

Man, Bradley Cooper is handsome.

Best Screenplay Award: Woody Allen, "Vicky Cristina Barcelona"

Rosie Perez just said "I just want to say I hate Penelope Cruz." She then called what she had to read corny. I love these dresses with pockets. They rock.

Best foreign film: "The Class"

Best cinematography: "The Wrestler"

Darren Aronofsky is suck a loveable dork.

Robert Altman Award: "Synedoche, New York"

During "The Wrestler" parody song, they did not get anywhere near Mickey Rourke. I am just trying to imagine the threats. Earlier they showed him writing the name of his dog who just died on the wall.

Best male lead: Mickey Rourke "The Wrestler"



Hey Phillip Seymour Hoffman, the hat, not working. However Mickey is a snappy dresser. His speech starts out talking about how Eric Roberts deserves a second chance, then said he's going to beat Rainn Wilson's ass, and then he finally gets to his speech. The audience yelled to him to thank Marisa Tomei. "Thanks to the wrestling community. We exposed some issues, like bangin' the girl in the a** in the bathroom ..."

Ugh. Then right after John Waters and Zooey Deschanel came on and did stupid banter they were WAY TOO INTO.

Best directing award: Tom McCarthy "The Visitor"

Kudos, Alec Baldwin. "I want back into the movie business so bad. I'm going to get a dog, start working out, and I want to second, whatever Eric Roberts did 15 years ago, let it go!"

Best feature: "The Wrestler"

Hopefully, Mickey Rourke, who is so happy he just picked up Darren Aronofsky, is too happy to beat up Alec Baldwin later.

We can be “Heroes,” but just for one day?

At least we still have Hiro

When “Heroes” started two years ago, I was pretty excited about a live-action, network show about superheroes. I don’t know what I expected, and I still don’t. But I know I expected more than the show as is. Sometimes I think its companion, “Chuck,” is a better superhero show.
Last night, “Heroes’” latest chapter, “Fugitives,” started, and while it was better than the season two I’ll never get over, it was still below expectations. “Heroes” has simply never been as good as its first season, although at least its last chapter, “Villains,” was an improvement over the dreaded season that must not be named.
What’s the problem? On the surface, not that much. Many of the most problematic characters have either been purged (goodbye Wonder twins!) or their roles have been diminished (please let a side effect of the new world order be the banishment of voiceovers by Mohinder forever). Last night, Hiro and Ando had banter, and Sylar kicked some ass. Nathan was bad and Niki was naked.
But then Peter forgot he could fly, on a plane no less. Or maybe he lost the ability to fly? And HRG turned out to be the head of the baddies? And the guards on the plane were the worst henchmen since that stormtrooper who hit his head in the Death Star in Episode IV (classic moment, if you’ve never noticed it. It’s the scene where C3PO and R2D2 are hiding out in the little control room waiting for Han and Luke).
I’m … worried.

Can't keep up with 'Lost'?

This is all you need to know.



How is this that Jorge Garcia has not even been nominated for an Emmy yet?