This is Dallas.

The second night of "American Idol's" premiere was deep in heart of Texas.

First we find out a future Mother of the Year HAD HER BABY while waiting for her audition, and named her Idol, which is not a name, folks.
Then we hear Jessica's sob story about being hooked on Meth. She sings "I Stand By You," and they cut back and forth from her family to her, so you can be pretty sure she's in. And she is. Hope she does better than Gina Glocksen.
Next we see Paul, a park attendant. He is twice as big as Ryan, and probably everyone else. Simon had better be nice to him. If this doofus can sing, I'll eat my hat. No worries for my hat's sake. Simon is glaring at him, while Randy and Paula laugh at him. As he leaves they play doofus-y music, and says "Simon didn't come down on me like I thought he would, and he goes down on almost everyone." Yikes!
Next singer is Beth, a singing waitress. She way overdoes a Kelly Clarkson song, while Simon shakes his head no at Paula. "I have no idea what that was," Simon says.
Another montage of really bad stuff.
Alaina thinks Carrie Underwood looks like her. She's a pretty good singer, the best tonight so far, but Simon is quick to point out she is not as good as she thinks she is. Still, she is unanimously sent to Hollywood.
So far we have seen a guy who is not facing the judges before two commercial breaks. He must be hilarious.
A brother and sister have some weirdness going on right after the break. Simon just shakes his head yes, and they leave.
Then comes Bruce, who has a locket he shares with his father for his future wife. It's one of those two-part necklaces that middle-school couples give each other. He says he has never kissed a girl, and Randy cracks "on purpose?!" They all vote no, and Simon advises him to "avoid Ryan on the way out" and Randy says "kiss some girls."
Pia has a yellow mohawk, she is African American, and she is beautiful. Simon is smiling, and everyone loves her.
Brandon has been keeping his broken fingernails since middle school. Ryan says "that's not great" and shudders. He says he doesn't want to be like Paris Hilton and Simon says "So you don't want to be falling out of cars showing off your lack of underwear?" He gets to Hollywood. I hope he throws out the fingernails.
Kayla had a serious car accident so no matter what happens she's living life. She is weird. I wish she was good, because she almost lost half her face, but her performance is just really weird. Simon says, "Kayla, I want to be you for an hour a day." Sion says yes first, Paula says no, and Randy sends her to Hollywood. I think she might be this year's Sanjaya.
More bad auditions. Randy has got the wide eyes and the pursed lips. Siomon rolls his eyes more. Paula's faces aren't as interesting, so she's not on screen much.
Kady can do vocal impressions. She does a mean Britney Spears. She then starts to do another one, and they stop her. She does "Unchained Melody" as herself, and she is good. Simon says she is the best singer so far. She is going to Hollywood.
Eleven others make it the first day.
Douglas is the first we see from Day Two. His dad caught him singing one time and he said he hated him. This is the guy we have seen in the clips before the commercials. He sounds like he has the hiccups. "What the bloody hell was that?" Simon says. "Is he serious?" Simon asks, as Douglas wanders around and sings some more. "I don't want to hear any more of this stupidity." He. Won't. Stop. Simon says "Get out! ... Douglas, they're going to take you somewhere safe" as the security guards lead him out.
Angela is married to a professional model. "(A model,) Like me and Simon," Randy jokes. She is not a professional singer. Paula is dancing but she's not serious. The model loves it, and Simon says "the good news is, your husband really loves you." The model walks her out, as she tears up. They are adorable together.
After a commercial break, we get a "political commercial" for Kyle, who is wearing a yellow shirt with a red tie. He sings "Somebody to Love" by Queen and Simon says "you aren't as bad as I thought you were gonna be." He said yes, and the other two say "WOW" over and over. Randy says no, but he still goes to Hollywood. And he is the second person who is going to Hollywood to attempt to fake out his family.
Tammy is not an effervescent person and she spends most of her audition staring at the judges. She is singing Celine Dion, and she is somehow FAR more annoying, but only because she can't sing at all. Randy says "it was awful" and she says "thank you."
Colton needs to do something about his eyebrows. He is country all the way. He is either nervous or totally into his own performance, and going to Hollywood. Another fake out. In fact, he wants the judges to yell "you were terrible" as he is leaving. The fake outs are getting tiresome.
Drew is a country boy, a farmer. Simon doesn't like him, Randy liked him and Paula wasn't wowed by him, but she still sent him to Hollywood.
Kyle wears a fake tan, eyeliner (and calls it guy-liner) and blush. He's got a T-shirt signed by all his friends. My husband calls him a cross between Mango and Zoolander. He works as a counselor and he seems a little creepy. His audition is dorky, he holds his hand like a microphone. He is quite off key. "It was a very disturbing, slightly demonic audition," says Simon. Kyle suggests another song and Simon says "you could never do anything about those eyes."
After the break a bunch of people butcher a Kelly Clarkson song, including a woman in whiteface?! Simon says, "OK, I now officially hate that song."
Nina, who is drop dead gorgeous and from Kelly Clarkson's hometown, has to listen to the judges bicker about who liked Kelly Clarkson and who didn't. They give her two chances, probably because of her looks. No one seems thrilled with her, but Randy and Paula say yes. She's going to Hollywood.
Renaldo, who looks like Bobby Trendy and sounds like William Hung, is still to come. He is wearing a white suit with a silver cape and a pimp hat. Ryan is amazed people bow to him. They stand next to each other for a second, and it is a funny image. He has Simon on his hat because "everyone everywhere speaks the name of Simon." His song is his own and is called "We're Brothers Forever." It is something that a 7-year-old would make up. "We're brothers 'til the end of time!" The judges make fun of him right in front of his face, and Randy then joins him and sways back and forth. Randy brings Ryan in to watch, too. Paula has left, and Simon says "I know what's coming." "I AM YOUR BROTHER! YOUR BEST FRIEND FOREVER!" Renaldo sings, at least 4 billion times. Simon hugs him, and later Renaldo, while crying, says Simon is "Heaven's chosen."
In all, 24 from Dallas go to Hollywood.