"Idol Gives Back"

There's a big opening number. It's goofy, and there are dancers who made me feel about 100 years old. But when Ryan joins in with his goofy bouncy thing, I feel cooler.
When Maria Shriver comes out they play "Maria" from "West Side Story," like it's the Oscars or something. Weird. I didn't watch this last year, is it all speeches? I hope not.
There's a little film about clean water. Jennifer Connelly should sell her expensive clothes to buy clean water.
Snoop Dogg is surrounded by little kids on stage. I hope they had a different dressing room.
Kobe Bryant gives a little spiel with a weird white bandage on his face. He claims there is an NBA family. Like you and Shaq, Kobe?
Triple H will beat your ass if you don't give money to Idol Gives Back.
Hi Paula and Randy! Paula looks pretty. Paula and Randy went to Goshen School, near L.A. An adorable kid named Christian leads them around. They kids don't have places to play. Save the Children helps them.
Oh God, now Teri Hatcher is going to sing. I was hoping this was untrue. Oh how cute, Mike Denton, her TV husband, is in the band. She is actually not horrible, but she isn't great. And why is she singing? And eat a sandwich. A really big sandwich.
Mary Murphy from "So You Think You Can Dance" is doing that screaming thing she does now.
The Jonas Brothers! EEEEEKKKK! Don't tell Mary Murphy!
Billy Crystal is introduced as "recently retired from the New York Yankees." He is introducing Miley Cyrus, why? He said her name wrong, hee hee hee. They are bantering. Awesome. We get it, Miley. Everything you do is number one. This is never going to end. OK, I have now heard this kid twice, on the "Kids Choice Awards" and here. and I am still stunned by how lame her songs - and especially her singing - are. Would she have made the Hollywood round as a contestant? Doubt it.
Here's my sweetie Bono now. Shut up! He is in Africa with this volunteer who helps children because her three kids all died of AIDS. OK, you got me.
We're back with Fergie and John Legend. Then, Fergie introduces Heart. That's right, those songs Carly butchers every week came from somewhere. And Ann Wilson may be enormous, but man, she can sing. Man, I bet Fergie has a hell of a time going to the bathroom in those rubber pants.
Peyton and Eli Manning introduce the inevitable New Orleans post-Katrina segment. Oh man, I may have to give again. Those poor kids.
ACK! The Beckhams!
Bono is one with a child's memory box for both of his parents. Annie Lennox is with a group of boys, brothers, who have lost all of their relatives. Just imagine. The oldest is 15, the youngest 3. Annie then comes on and sings "Many Rivers to Cross."
How bad is Celine Dion at reading from cards? She also winked at me. Ick.
Jimmy Kimmel introducing Simon Cowell? Oh, he's roasting him. Whatever. Nipple jokes?
Simon is doing the segment on uninsured Americans. Oh, George Bush says that's no problem, Simon. In fact, he vetoed a children's insurance program, because they don't need it. Don't you watch the news? Simon is remarkably good at talking to these people. I remember that from last year, when his segment was the only part of the show I saw.
Simon introduces Carrie Underwood, yow. She is singing a George Michael song ("Praying for Time"). Neat!
Gloria Estefan. Ugh. It's starting to get hard to stay focused here.
Sarah Silverman, uh oh. My husband just came in and he can't watch one minute of these poor kids with malaria. This baby with malaria has the most beautiful eyelashes I have ever seen. I hope that these kids watching this are really getting it.
Reese Witherspoon goes back to New Orleans to this wonderful place called Freedom School.
The top 8 sing "Seasons of Love." I know it's cheeseball as hell, but I kind of like this song. I bet they're glad to be off the phones.
Duck! It's Dane Cook! He's introducing Alicia Keys. Is she the person who thinks he's funny? She went to Africa. It's unbelieveable how these people have to live.
Oh, God, not Miley Cyrus again. Not only is her singing awful, her attempts at dancing are jarring and upsetting. Miley takes us to rural Kentucky. My God, they visit this poor family and the mom HAS A BLACK EYE. Too much reality.
Robin Williams?! Oh man. His first line is "You are a friend of Gary Busey!" to Ryan. Nice. He's been on at least four hours. Not funny since first line.
David Spade is introduced, and I swear people stopped clapping the second they heard his name. Brad Pitt, on the other hand, gets a bigger reaction. And he introduces ... Daughtry. Hmm. Daughtry is in Uganda to show us more depressing pictures of poor people just in case you haven't given yet. C'mon, give, everyone's doing it. Oh the kids are singing their song. That's sweet.
Mariah Carey is on now, with Randy playing bass. I will never figure out how she is such a big deal. Now there is a big choir on stage with so much screaming I can barely stand it. Can I take my money back? No, really, I wouldn't.
The top 8 closes the show, with a church song. Seriously, we sing this at my church. Kristy is probably mad they stole her thing.
Good night!